I don't think I noticed it much when I was younger. And although I was aware of it in college and seminary, I didn't care much about it. However, after becoming a pastor 15 years ago, I began to see it more clearly; and didn't like the results it seemed to bring. The "IT", of course, is my personality. Back in high school, the popular temperment analysis tests showed that I was Phlegmatic. Unlike the Sanguine that was full of charisma, the choleric that was full of leadership and "driven", and the Meloncholy, who was artistic, but easily depressed, I was labeled a phlegmatic. The general description is someone who is not too "up" and not too "down". Instead of calling me mediocre however, or static, or lukewarm, the psychologists would call me "even-tempered", balanced.
In college, there was the "DISC" personality profile, and although the terminology was different, I was still diagnosed (now it sounds like a disease!) with the same personality I had in high school. Personalities seem to "stick" somehow. I thought that I was fine with my personality, but once I became a pastor, I began to see the real downsides to it.
I was very slow to confront something or someone when they needed to be confronted. Even if I was excited about something in my heart, my lack of emotional exuberance caused people to think I was not happy or excited, at all (even about things they were excited about). To my dismay, some thought I was snobby or just plain ignored them; when I would never do that on purpose. Friends of mine have told me that when they first met me, they didn't like my personality; and thought I was somewhat "cold". That breaks my heart every time I hear it, because I enjoy getting to know people and being around people; but I have a hard time communicating that in a way that "gets through" when I first meet people. It does usually take people a while before they "warm up to" me. That really bothers me!
I have heard people say they think I am unloving, even though I do love them, deeply, in my heart. But, I think, they see my personality try to communicate love, and they actually interpret it as disdain or plain apathy. Being a pastor, I feel the downsides to this personality are multiplied and magnified, because of the position I am in. I have often been tempted to desire someone else's personality, especially other pastors. I see guys who are able to walk up to complete strangers and carry conversations, by themselves, for hours. I am not able, naturally, to do that. I see other people respond to certain pastor's personalities, warming up to them immediately, and talking about how much that pastor loves them (even if they have not yet spent much time together). I see guys who can deliver God's Word with an incredibly attractive personality, that causes people to automatically say: "I will follow that guy anywhere"
All I want for Christmas is a new personality.
Ok - not really. I do admit I have had these thoughts often over the past 15 years. I have had to ask God for forgiveness multiple times for my jealousy and discontent. I know there are many positives to my personality, such as:.......................................................................................................
Well - I can't think of any right now, but I now there are some. I'm sure if you call my mom, she will have a list for you (thanks mom!)
I think I have come to terms with my personality. I do thank God for how He has made me. When He points things out to me, I do thank Him personally for the positive sides of my personality. Even as a pastor, I know that God has placed me in a certain ministry, for a certain time, with my personality, to be used for His glory, with a certain people. And I am really enjoying the people He has put me with right now. They have been, overall, a great blessing and encouragement. I think a few of them might even like me, after only 4 years!
So, on the days, like a couple days ago, when I start to wish for a different personality, I will try to focus on what is "true, just, honest, of good report"...what is biblical and what is right, in the eyes of God.
My God-Given Personality
Merry Christmas to me!
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1 comment:
I just wanted to share my perception...
The morning I called Grace to ask about service times it was a last minute replacement in our church search. Grace was just supposed to be somewhere to go..it hadn't been recommended, i hadn't found a great program there or even looked at the website! But when I called there was something in your voice before I ever met you that was very genuine and humble, it sold me that we needed to try Grace out.
An hour later we listened to a sermon during your Ecclesiastes messages and never thought again about looking elsewhere. Your sermon didn't blow me away or convince me that I needed a life overhaul instead it planted a tiny goal for me that week and I stuck to it.
You have never come across to me as anything but welcoming and gracious I still hear that same genuine, humble attitude every time I speak with you. When I gave you reason to judge me you didn't and I instead felt guided to change. I once needed the sermon of all sermons on Sunday...I wanted it to knock my socks off, blow me away and leave me feeling so unworthy and I often found those sermons but they never inspired me to change. They were shots of religion to last me (without a guilty thought) til next sunday and if I still needed that I would find you and your personality lackluster.
Your sermons are delivered alot like your personality not alot of show but plenty of substance and each week they challenge me to make a tiny change. Those tiny consistent changes have done more for my spirtual state in the last couple years than all the tear jerking, heart pounding ,show stopping sermons I have ever heard.
I hope you take this as a little encouragment that maybe there is a purpose for your personality, it tempers your sermons and I think it does so for the better.
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